Babes, mom. I gotta look cool.
half a decade has passed since i pined for you/ i whispered your name into my pillow case/ i envied your friends who knew you like i never did/ learning to love you made me forget all grace
i loved you from afar until you let me love you up close/ i wake up mingled in your smell and in your sheets/ you wake up and kiss my forehead each day/ each day, month, and year with you goes by in a blink
who teaches us how to hate? where do we learn it from? i hate and i hate and i cry. i’m so sick of crying.
i’m here and she’s there and i hate this. i know nothing is happening but i have tears down my cheeks.
i hate her and i hate her questions and i hate her texts. i hate her texts to him and all her kind words.
i cry because i hate her so much and there’s nothing i can do.
pictures pop up and there she is smiling and it drives me insane. i lie to myself and say it’s all okay, it’s fine.
i never knew hate until i knew her.
hang me the moon and bring me flowers/ stay up with me until midnight/ laugh until we cry over a stupid phone call/ tuck me into your arms and kiss me goodnight
in return i’ll write you sonnets and stories/ i’ll send you letters detailing my love/ i’ll sing to you in the car and through the house/ i’d praise you more than the god up above
give me your all, give me your soul/ you already have mine but that you know.
i kneel in a pew and plead with god/ i’ve cradled death in my hands/ i knew his shudder before he entered/ his will stronger than god’s demands
i kneeled until i could collapse/ i offered up all but my judgement day/ death deflates you until you can’t stand/ so i stay kneeling with nothing more to say
instead i pray there’s a place in the dark/ i’d like to see them all again/ the precious are too undeserving of this life/ threatened with one month until their end
in a world of people, i’ve found you/ a curly haired-boy with a tan you deny/ in a world of people, i always come back to you/a curly-haired boy with a love we define
i love you so from here and past arkansas/ i could write and write and there’d never be too many words/ you’re worth so much more than a simple poem/ it’s you and me until we’re buried beneath this earth
we’ve seen the river, the seas, and the mountains/ we’ve seen the beaches and the stars/ and yet my favorite place remains by your side/ i’m sided with fate and your my lucky tarot card
a girl in middle school showed me her wrists/ the day she told me it was all my fault/ i’ll never forget how i felt there standing/ like i was the razor who did the assault
i called an old friend a year after she moved/ it’s been a while, how has everything been?/ she sent me a photo and all i saw was blood/ i could hardly discern her carved out skin
in high school i had a best friend of my own/ one month it progressed from vomit to scissors/ i’ll never erase that damn video call/ how had i missed all of her triggers?
am i the problem in all of my friends?/ what drives them to hurt so much so hard?/ am i the razor they never expected?/ since when have i been the fated glass shard?
these are moments in your life you never forget/ moments you rethink in the quietest of spaces/ moments you rethink when it’s so loud you could drown/ these are moments your memory never replaces
the feminine touch is soft as a feather/ with an undercurrent of controlled power/ they’re swift yet always gentle/ velvety as a petal on a flower
men are the rushing of streams/ they’re a gust of wind that rushes your hair/ delicate features of a sturdy figure/ sharp minds beneath their stares
a woman on my left and a man on my right/ the whisper of a touch trails my skin/ a rough callus creates a sweet friction/ electricity through my blood and everywhere within
i beg for mercy but never a swift death/ play it out slow like torture/ make me writhe against the wall and under the sheets/ sweet relief flows through me like water
a woman on my left and a man on my right/ the lick of an ear and a taste of the neck/ who is who, it’s all just skin/ as long as they promise to leave me a wreck
being queer has never been a choice of mine/ a friend in high school once weaponized that against me/ she was the first friend i ever came out to/ i stopped telling people until it all became a dream
there’s a girl in college i wouldn’t call a friend/ she told me i needed to be intimate with a girl/ i needed to be intimate with a girl to be considered queer/ it’s too bad that all of my friends agreed with her words
i’ve grown up with people who swear their support/ i’ve grown up with people who swear they are proud/ i’ve grown and i’ve grown and i still don’t feel as tall as them/ i grow more small and they grow more loud
i wish people would stop pressuring me to choose a side/ i’m not enough for anyone and i’m too much for me/ i’m stuck being only half of what they want/ i hate the way being out makes me seen
every time we speak i breath easy/ every time we speak i lose my breath/ only god knows what lure you hold/ but we’re entwined together until death
i miss you like i miss myself/ i cross a bridge and see you by my side/ you hover like my own guardian angel/ you don’t know it but you’re still my guide
i don’t know if i believe in destined stars/ but if i did you’d be the brightest/ just so i can look up to always find you there/ even through the loud and especially through the quiet
if god isn’t real then how did i find you?/ you know my best and you know my worst/ he gave me a miracle i struggle to confront/ give me time, i’m scared to go in reverse
we’re in the same void of space i can feel it/ you’re not here but you’re next to me/ we’re having a discussion but only we can hear it/ how does this keep happening, when will we be free
we go through the motions of friendship but it’s less and yet more/ we keep hitting the same wall over and over/ we break it down and it builds itself back up/ each brick is cemented by yet another lover
you’re everywhere and nowhere, just a figment/ but your presence stands firm in my life/ i tumble through the motions just to always end with you/ each awakening ends with one of us pointing a knife
just when we’re through you come back to haunt me/ but it’s a horror that comes with its thrills/ it’s addicting and i’m a willing consumer/ it’s the withdrawal that stops me from another refill
Cosmo Susie 