Babes, mom. I gotta look cool.
A pile of shoes sit by the front door/ fingerprints layer on the window glass/ a fridge covered in pictures and notes/ a kitchen filled with people and laughs
sisters to throw your birthday parties/ brothers to tease about their trucks/ a freezer filled with ice cream/ a kitchen table that somehow always has crumbs
i love you all like i love apple pie/ my heart is happy and stomach is full/ i count my blessings each time i come home/ each one of you that makes me whole
hang me the moon and bring me flowers/ stay up with me until midnight/ laugh until we cry over a stupid phone call/ tuck me into your arms and kiss me goodnight
in return i’ll write you sonnets and stories/ i’ll send you letters detailing my love/ i’ll sing to you in the car and through the house/ i’d praise you more than the god up above
give me your all, give me your soul/ you already have mine but that you know.
hello to those who sit in the dark/ those who blink up at the ceiling/ those who fumble next to them/ those searching for all that the dark is concealing
you’re there now and i’m there later/ i’m there before and you’re floating around/ we dance and we stumble/ and embrace the night that surrounds
i’ve always known where i stood/ i’ve always just lived and just been/ but who am i now?/ who am i now with all of this sin
i could speak in hymnals and betrayals/ i could write with grace and reverence/ i destroy all my bibles and all of my words/ to rid myself of this religious evidence
i used to sit in the pews each sunday/ i used to pray even through my doubt/ but no one is answering/ my prayers alone feed into this drought
i asked for you and you never knew/ i asked for a friend but did i receive?/ i go back each week just to kneel/ i close my eyes and wish to believe
i am the persona of damnation/ and yet i look for a guardian angel/ is that who you are to me now?/ will you be my salvation?
who am i now to you/ in all of the pillars of hell?/ do i reside there for you/ or am i up where the clouds swell?
dear god i wish now/ why am i here and where are you/ dear god i used to believe/ but i grew up like you told me to
Who is allowed to paint the sky? Who determined its banners of blue? Who will stop me from splashing in red? To give it a hopeful purple hue.
I hate the blues of the world. The somberness spoils the sun. It hardens the clouds into lumps. Is purple not stardust spun?
Who chose the lights of the morning? Who chased the night into dark? Is day not a shadow of reality? Night is where every dream sparks.
I’ve repainted the sky a violet haze. the reds and blues race to the horizon. They swirl and spin and strum. Ribbons to wrap the world in.
i write to you to share my thoughts/ i write to you to weaken us/ i write to you to bring us alive/ i write to you make it all just
i never thought the wind would carry me/ yet it took me all the way to you/ and now i can’t stop drifting by/ past it all and into the blue
i write and i write and you just don’t understand/ i need to tell you everything i feel/ i yearn to hear your reply/ it’s only your thoughts i want to steal
i built a book for you and i/ but i’ve started to tear out the pages/ i’ve sent you the words to chapter one/ but i’ve been writing it for ages
would you like to read this novel?/ hearing it from this author’s voice?/ or would you burn it as i did yours?/ just this once i’ll give you the choice
letter by letter i’ll send our story/ forewarning, my narrative is not yours/ i see, think, and believe differently/ with this i promise us no cure
i am a woman of distinction/ we are all women of distinction/ we are thoughts, feelings, and opinions/ we are the upholders of future generations
you don’t need to fit a criteria/ your occupation does not matter/ gender roles are all a social construct/ all you need to be is a ladder
a ladder to hold up young girls/ let them know they have a place/ plant seeds of knowledge within/ water them to set the pace
we are all women of distinction/ no two of us are the same/ we rise, we fall everyday/ yet we all still bear a name
the power to live in that name/ or to change it, as you do too/ it does not matter to me/ as long as you claim it as you
i am a woman and i am distinct/ I don’t let the world wash me out/ i have not always been such an anchor/ you too can overcome the drought
i owe you an apology/ not for the way i’ve been/ but for the way i was/ for how i waited to let things end
i should have told you earlier/ i shouldn’t have texted you that summer/ i should have let it be as it was/ not awake us from our dead slumber
i never wanted more than a friendship/ i let it all spiral out of control/ i meant to block anything else out/ all of my wasted time you stole
i never saw us as anything more/ and i should have told you from the start/ all i wanted was a friend to tell secrets to/ but even as that we drifted apart
so here i am so sorry/ i made up your wildest dreams/ but for me it was always him/ and i’m sorry for the way it seemed
you wanted more that i could never give/ i never intended for you to believe otherwise/ which is why i cut everything off in february/ for how it looked to everyone else’s eyes
up until spring, i never blamed you/ i blamed all the other girls who whispered/ the tales they put into your ears/ bet they didn’t see it all ending up so blistered
i truly only blame you for spring and after/ the amount of hurt i faced those months/ it still echoes through me, especially in the summer/ and yet it’s felt so good to be so blunt
i hate the way i let you be led on/ a blue dress and a dance was never to happen/ i knew in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart/ that guilt still makes my vision blacken
it’s been too long to still be hurting/ the anger and sorrow and peace fight for dominance/ i cry in the car and dance in the shower/ for the parts of my life that should no longer be prominent
nobody quite understands so i don’t share my faults/ you blamed me but not for the right things/ i take no blame of what occurred after i set my boundaries/ and it all still lingers in my mind like a loose string
i don’t have an address to send this to anymore/ this is my only hope you’ll read it and know/ i’m afraid to send a apology and start it all back up/ i don’t think i could deal with another hello
romanticize holding hands and sleeping over/ that’s reserved for you and you alone/ no nonsense over the thought of others/ you and i will carve our names into stone
i’d like to forget everybody else/ the entire world can disappear/ and i couldn’t blink twice or turn away/ i’d like to let them all be in fear
we won’t give two fucks about anyone/ after all, we’re in too deep/ and there’s no way out but forward/ so we might as well go down in a leap
Exhalation
Inhalation
If only you’ve seen
what I’ve seen
when i close
my eyes
the swipes of nightmares
of red streaks soaking
down the wall
and seeping
into the mirror
that i stand before
i look across the dark slate
and see my reflection
staring back
with a bruised soul
and realize
the potential
to fail
and feel the pain
and welcome the pain
Cosmo Susie 