not by choice

the things we do to tell ourselves we’re alright/ i force myself through the daily motions of life/ i make lunch, do my laundry, and wash the dishes/ take a breath between each spoon, fork, and knife

i do things in three to make it easier on me/ turn on the water, pump the soap, wash my hands/ turn on the car, put it into drive, press the gas/ turn off the lights, get into bed, cancel all my plans

i understand why my friends are never around/ i understand why they stop calling, texting/ i’m a homebody, but not by choice/ i try to get up and find each day dizzying

is this a mood swing or a state of mind?/ i stare at myself in the mirror too long/ i sit in my car and pretend i haven’t arrived/ i just need someone to convince me i belong

i sit on the floor in my room with the blinds shut/ i sit behind a screen and type out each and every thought/ everything i can’t tell to those around me/ there’s nothing worse than getting caught

i close my eyes and let the day drift away/ i wake up in time to shower before dinner/ hot scalding water that i hope will wash it all away/ i’m only awake when the sky gets dimmer