Tag: friends

to stay in or out

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being queer has never been a choice of mine/ a friend in high school once weaponized that against me/ she was the first friend i ever came out to/ i stopped telling people until it all became a dream

there’s a girl in college i wouldn’t call a friend/ she told me i needed to be intimate with a girl/ i needed to be intimate with a girl to be considered queer/ it’s too bad that all of my friends agreed with her words

i’ve grown up with people who swear their support/ i’ve grown up with people who swear they are proud/ i’ve grown and i’ve grown and i still don’t feel as tall as them/ i grow more small and they grow more loud

i wish people would stop pressuring me to choose a side/ i’m not enough for anyone and i’m too much for me/ i’m stuck being only half of what they want/ i hate the way being out makes me seen

thank you, god.

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every time we speak i breath easy/ every time we speak i lose my breath/ only god knows what lure you hold/ but we’re entwined together until death

i miss you like i miss myself/ i cross a bridge and see you by my side/ you hover like my own guardian angel/ you don’t know it but you’re still my guide

i don’t know if i believe in destined stars/ but if i did you’d be the brightest/ just so i can look up to always find you there/ even through the loud and especially through the quiet

if god isn’t real then how did i find you?/ you know my best and you know my worst/ he gave me a miracle i struggle to confront/ give me time, i’m scared to go in reverse

not by choice

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the things we do to tell ourselves we’re alright/ i force myself through the daily motions of life/ i make lunch, do my laundry, and wash the dishes/ take a breath between each spoon, fork, and knife

i do things in three to make it easier on me/ turn on the water, pump the soap, wash my hands/ turn on the car, put it into drive, press the gas/ turn off the lights, get into bed, cancel all my plans

i understand why my friends are never around/ i understand why they stop calling, texting/ i’m a homebody, but not by choice/ i try to get up and find each day dizzying

is this a mood swing or a state of mind?/ i stare at myself in the mirror too long/ i sit in my car and pretend i haven’t arrived/ i just need someone to convince me i belong

i sit on the floor in my room with the blinds shut/ i sit behind a screen and type out each and every thought/ everything i can’t tell to those around me/ there’s nothing worse than getting caught

i close my eyes and let the day drift away/ i wake up in time to shower before dinner/ hot scalding water that i hope will wash it all away/ i’m only awake when the sky gets dimmer

numbness of people

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i’m surrounded by people but none of them friends/ they talk and i answer but it’s just a trade/ they swap stories but i’m on the outside/ i sit through parties wondering why i stayed

i’m surrounded by social interactions i’ve never understood/ i’m surrounded by smiles and laughs i can’t replicate/ i’m exhausted and i’m drowsy and i just can’t think/ i’m left behind as the conversations accelerate

i hate to be the cliche that’s dead on the inside/ i know i’m alive, i just can’t feel anything/ numbness has never been strange to me/ i close my eyes and let everyone’s words ring

bisexual anthem

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the girls in high school never did like me/ i was only half of what they wanted/ and always half of what they hated/ it was four years of hell being taunted

they’d whisper to each other like i’m some freak/ two pieces of a puzzle that just don’t match/ i’ve tried every glue, tape, and staple/ i’m everything and yet still nothing, just detached

the girls in college just don’t understand/ they tell me i’ve made it all up in my head/ they tell me i’ve been taken for far too long/ i call myself queer and they call me misled

the romantization of holding hands

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Looking at the street ahead/ i see the life of flashing lights/ the taillights of incomprehension/ of how much i need these nights

my lifeline sits to the left/ one hand on the wheel/ the other intertwined with mine/ whose heart will he steal?

i firmly believe in soulmates/ and that we are/ i firmly believe in elation/ brought to us by our stars

the romanization of holding hands/ seems uncomparable to all of earth/ as do all the limits set/ for the speed we take each curve

host no more

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you text and forget i’m a human being too/ you barely text and forget i’m here/ it’s a back and forth i wish for no more/ i’m telling you this and laying myself bare

i cannot proceed in this life of mine/ i put it all before me without thought/ i’d put you behind me if it meant freedom/ i’d do it all if i wasn’t afraid of being caught

you’re present but never around/ you hide me and are afraid to be seen/ i’ve found you and i figured it out/ i’ve seen through your precious machine

you choose to read but never write/ you’ve become a whisper of a ghost/ you come around when it’s convenient/ but i’m just too tired to play host

dark nights

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hello to those who sit in the dark/ those who blink up at the ceiling/ those who fumble next to them/ those searching for all that the dark is concealing

you’re there now and i’m there later/ i’m there before and you’re floating around/ we dance and we stumble/ and embrace the night that surrounds

i write and i write to you

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i write to you to share my thoughts/ i write to you to weaken us/ i write to you to bring us alive/ i write to you make it all just

i never thought the wind would carry me/ yet it took me all the way to you/ and now i can’t stop drifting by/ past it all and into the blue

i write and i write and you just don’t understand/ i need to tell you everything i feel/ i yearn to hear your reply/ it’s only your thoughts i want to steal

i built a book for you and i/ but i’ve started to tear out the pages/ i’ve sent you the words to chapter one/ but i’ve been writing it for ages

would you like to read this novel?/ hearing it from this author’s voice?/ or would you burn it as i did yours?/ just this once i’ll give you the choice

letter by letter i’ll send our story/ forewarning, my narrative is not yours/ i see, think, and believe differently/ with this i promise us no cure

i still hurt but you do too

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i owe you an apology/ not for the way i’ve been/ but for the way i was/ for how i waited to let things end

i should have told you earlier/ i shouldn’t have texted you that summer/ i should have let it be as it was/ not awake us from our dead slumber

i never wanted more than a friendship/ i let it all spiral out of control/ i meant to block anything else out/ all of my wasted time you stole

i never saw us as anything more/ and i should have told you from the start/ all i wanted was a friend to tell secrets to/ but even as that we drifted apart

so here i am so sorry/ i made up your wildest dreams/ but for me it was always him/ and i’m sorry for the way it seemed

you wanted more that i could never give/ i never intended for you to believe otherwise/ which is why i cut everything off in february/ for how it looked to everyone else’s eyes

up until spring, i never blamed you/ i blamed all the other girls who whispered/ the tales they put into your ears/ bet they didn’t see it all ending up so blistered

i truly only blame you for spring and after/ the amount of hurt i faced those months/ it still echoes through me, especially in the summer/ and yet it’s felt so good to be so blunt

i hate the way i let you be led on/ a blue dress and a dance was never to happen/ i knew in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart/ that guilt still makes my vision blacken

it’s been too long to still be hurting/ the anger and sorrow and peace fight for dominance/ i cry in the car and dance in the shower/ for the parts of my life that should no longer be prominent

nobody quite understands so i don’t share my faults/ you blamed me but not for the right things/ i take no blame of what occurred after i set my boundaries/ and it all still lingers in my mind like a loose string

i don’t have an address to send this to anymore/ this is my only hope you’ll read it and know/ i’m afraid to send a apology and start it all back up/ i don’t think i could deal with another hello