Tag: friendship

damnation and hell

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i’ve always known where i stood/ i’ve always just lived and just been/ but who am i now?/ who am i now with all of this sin

i could speak in hymnals and betrayals/ i could write with grace and reverence/ i destroy all my bibles and all of my words/ to rid myself of this religious evidence

i used to sit in the pews each sunday/ i used to pray even through my doubt/ but no one is answering/ my prayers alone feed into this drought

i asked for you and you never knew/ i asked for a friend but did i receive?/ i go back each week just to kneel/ i close my eyes and wish to believe

i am the persona of damnation/ and yet i look for a guardian angel/ is that who you are to me now?/ will you be my salvation?

who am i now to you/ in all of the pillars of hell?/ do i reside there for you/ or am i up where the clouds swell?

dear god i wish now/ why am i here and where are you/ dear god i used to believe/ but i grew up like you told me to

i write and i write to you

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i write to you to share my thoughts/ i write to you to weaken us/ i write to you to bring us alive/ i write to you make it all just

i never thought the wind would carry me/ yet it took me all the way to you/ and now i can’t stop drifting by/ past it all and into the blue

i write and i write and you just don’t understand/ i need to tell you everything i feel/ i yearn to hear your reply/ it’s only your thoughts i want to steal

i built a book for you and i/ but i’ve started to tear out the pages/ i’ve sent you the words to chapter one/ but i’ve been writing it for ages

would you like to read this novel?/ hearing it from this author’s voice?/ or would you burn it as i did yours?/ just this once i’ll give you the choice

letter by letter i’ll send our story/ forewarning, my narrative is not yours/ i see, think, and believe differently/ with this i promise us no cure

i still hurt but you do too

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i owe you an apology/ not for the way i’ve been/ but for the way i was/ for how i waited to let things end

i should have told you earlier/ i shouldn’t have texted you that summer/ i should have let it be as it was/ not awake us from our dead slumber

i never wanted more than a friendship/ i let it all spiral out of control/ i meant to block anything else out/ all of my wasted time you stole

i never saw us as anything more/ and i should have told you from the start/ all i wanted was a friend to tell secrets to/ but even as that we drifted apart

so here i am so sorry/ i made up your wildest dreams/ but for me it was always him/ and i’m sorry for the way it seemed

you wanted more that i could never give/ i never intended for you to believe otherwise/ which is why i cut everything off in february/ for how it looked to everyone else’s eyes

up until spring, i never blamed you/ i blamed all the other girls who whispered/ the tales they put into your ears/ bet they didn’t see it all ending up so blistered

i truly only blame you for spring and after/ the amount of hurt i faced those months/ it still echoes through me, especially in the summer/ and yet it’s felt so good to be so blunt

i hate the way i let you be led on/ a blue dress and a dance was never to happen/ i knew in the back of my mind and the bottom of my heart/ that guilt still makes my vision blacken

it’s been too long to still be hurting/ the anger and sorrow and peace fight for dominance/ i cry in the car and dance in the shower/ for the parts of my life that should no longer be prominent

nobody quite understands so i don’t share my faults/ you blamed me but not for the right things/ i take no blame of what occurred after i set my boundaries/ and it all still lingers in my mind like a loose string

i don’t have an address to send this to anymore/ this is my only hope you’ll read it and know/ i’m afraid to send a apology and start it all back up/ i don’t think i could deal with another hello

Growth

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my vision is blackening/ my head is floating in the air/ waiting to be sunk down/ nobody is here to care

catch me as i’m falling/ i ask, scream, shout/ the only response is the wind/ i crash no doubt

I wrote this at a time when I hurt so much but couldn’t let you know because you were to blame. You were hurting me to the point of me screaming in the shower and pulling out my hair. Since ceasing all communication, I’ve begun to sing in the shower and love myself more than you ever could. You taught me about judgment through your faulty actions, so I took that and learned to stop judging so harshly. I’ve grown so much more without you, and I thank god for that. If all I need is to burn what’s left of you, then so be it because I deserve to be able to. I’ve learned to love so much more deeply and live without doubting myself since I’ve stopped talking to you. I’ve finally stopped screaming and crying and pulling. I’ve finally been truly happy.

The Lifespan of a Book

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I said I was done burning your things/ But that was until I found a book/ The orange and pink cover is yours/ I’ve just given it a blackened new look

I really hope you don’t mind/ You can have it back if you want/ It was left behind in my room/ Staring at me as if to taunt

There were some minor annotations/ In chapters I’d rather not discuss/ I can send you the address/ Before I turn the rest of it to dust

my last and final words

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i’ve finally started forgetting you/ yet i still want to scream everything i felt/ yell until my throat runs utterly dry/ until my vocal chords start to melt

i’ve burned every picture on my wall/ i’ve written you so many letters to send/ yet i won’t let you try to defend this/ i ripped those words to shreds

all of my paper is filled to the brim/ i’ve called you so many names/ i spelt out every wrong you ever did/ and yet you still won’t take any blame

one phone call and i could be satisfied/ i could cry out all your faults to a tea/ but let you would win at everything?/ god forbid the person to fix you is me

i can’t hate you more than anything/ i won’t give you that ability/ i love so much more in this world/ and i hate you but oh so differently